Valentino’s Day, an alternate facts version
Valentino-san was an underachieving retard who lived in da hood of Rome at the end of the 200s AD, which was about 2000 years ago give or take 2 centuries. Now mah man Valentino-san had the hots for this gal, Stolida Di’Stultus, who was dense as a lump of Lawrencium (Lr-103 isotope), made a good living at the Rome’s Medicine Academy as a living example of what excessive inbreeding can spawn, and on the bright side had really awful personal hygiene.
Now Stolida’s daddy, Don Fagcisco Di’Stultus, was the biggest douchebag in Italy and rich as Dante’s Hell ‘coz his pop left him a shitload of moolah. His poor papa hit the bucket big time, after he accidentally stabbed himself multiple times with 3 different knives and set himself on fire. Shit like that happened all the time back then, so maybe rich people were really accident-prone.
Don Fagcisco was also the mayor of Rome, a position he was elected to by promising some loaded and potent dudes to give them silly hats that all the hipsters in Europe dug big time. After his inauguration he had the whole bunch beheaded for poor fashion taste, which was a capital crime in those times (it should still be but the law was abrogated for some silly reason). He did save the hats and sold them the same day.
It so was that Stolida’s old man was none too into his little girl getting sweet-talked by Rome’s biggest dud. Fortunately our man Valentino-san had the IQ of a lobotomized clam, and even a couple of ass-beatings by Don Fagcisco’s homies didn’t deter him from trying to get into Stolida’s panties. That is if the ladies back then wore panties, which I’m too damn lazy to look up and is irrelevant to our story anyway.
Don Fagcisco swore to own Valentino-san’s ass, and unfortunately for the latter not in a sexual way. One fateful day mah man Valentino-san got piss-drunk on cheap wine, and was later arrested for molesting a Doge and got his stopid butt thrown in jail.
You might be wonderin’ what was the big deal about what Valentino-san did, since inappropriate actions with animals in general and dogs in particular was somewhat of an unregulated legal gray area at the time.
But our favorite dumbass actually molested a Doge, the chief magistrate of Venice, and his defense plea that it was all an honest mistake becoz Doge and dog spellings are misleadingly similar, especially when your brains are blown to shit with booze, failed to sway Judge Judy.
Yeah, judges were badass in Rome at the end of the 200s AD.
After a while Valentino-san sobered up enough to have a vague grasp of the shitload of trouble he had gotten his ass into. It was then that a few brain cells, which were still somewhat in working condition, came up with the only idea that didn’t totally suck in his entire life.
Our hero decided to write a passionate plea to his beloved Stolida, in the hopes she would talk her daddy out of doing something irreversible like putting an end to poor Valentino-san’s vital functions. Our friend sure wished then that he had paid more attention in penmanship class, or even that he had actually attended school instead of blowing his tuition money on crack, but that’s neither here nor there.
The end result was a missive of retarded rhetoric devoid of any kind of structure, logical or otherwise, making it so incomprehensible that any attempt to read it caused severe brain-cramps to the unfortunate victims. To this day The Vatican keeps it in an iron-cast box buried in concrete, as they are convinced such insanely convoluted ramblings can only be of otherworldly origin.
Valentino-san was not concerned though; he knew Stolida couldn’t read anything that didn’t have images in it. He thus signed the now famous ending, From Your Valentine, and had it delivered by one of the jail’s guards in exchange for a scented ear-wax candle (a valuable item in those dark ages).
The shit hit the fan because Valentino-san thought himself too smart for his own good. Although he accurately knew Stolida’s reading skills were lacking to the point of being absent, he failed to take into consideration that she could have the erratic useful thought.
She asked her daddy to read the letter to her, and to Valentino-san’s woe the rather cranky Don Fagcisco took offense at our friend’s literary attempt. It should be noted that the massive headache and permanent brain damage did little to improve the man’s disposition.
Long story short, it all ended with a public beheading on the public square to the great delight of the populace. This was before cable-TV was available in Rome, so folks were not discriminating with their entertainment.
And so as you prepare to rejoice in Valentino’s Day, or as it is also known, Singles Awareness Day, spare a thought to the fact that we are really celebrating some bloke’s beheading.
But it could be argued he died for love, and isn’t that oh so romantic?