Valentino’s Day, an alternate facts version
Valentino-san was an underachieving retard who lived in da hood of Rome at the end of the 200s AD, which was about 2000 years ago give or take 2 centuries. Now mah man Valentino-san had the hots for this gal, Stolida Di’Stultus, who was dense as a lump of Lawrencium (Lr-103 isotope), made a good living at the Rome’s Medicine Academy as a living example of what excessive inbreeding can spawn, and on the bright side had really awful personal hygiene.
Now Stolida’s daddy, Don Fagcisco Di’Stultus, was the biggest douchebag in Italy and rich as Dante’s Hell ‘coz his pop left him a shitload of moolah. His poor papa hit the bucket big time, after he accidentally stabbed himself multiple times with 3 different knives and set himself on fire. Shit like that happened all the time back then, so maybe rich people were really accident-prone.
Don Fagcisco was also the mayor of Rome, a position he was elected